just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
