He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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