I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
