At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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