I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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