Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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