I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We are two peas in an std pod
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My vagina just clenched in fear
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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