Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
