After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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