Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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