I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
