Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
