never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Help. Why am I so naked?
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