We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
