I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
