my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
