i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
