just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
