Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
