Plan B is the new Plan A
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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