yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
