There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
