Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
