Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
