Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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