I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
