so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
