Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
