so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
