Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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