I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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