Well douche your snatch and let's go!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
