Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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