My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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