im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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