Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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