Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
