Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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