The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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