my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
