He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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