I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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