I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
ttyl tear gas
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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