i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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