I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
