This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
