Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
