Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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