just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
