sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
