also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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