Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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