I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
